It sounds like you might be experiencing some really significant depressive thoughts, that are causing you to search how to kill yourself. Living with depressing thoughts can be so difficult and draining. It can feel like there is a dark cloud over you, sucking away any positivity you could feel. I am so sorry you are going through this. Being in such a dark place makes it almost impossible to see any light through that cloud.
There is light out there though, you have felt it before and you can absolutely feel it again. What you are feeling may be overwhelming but it is not permanent.
There are people who want walk with you in the journey to find that light. They want nothing more than to join you where you are and listen to your story. A great place to turn is a local counselling agency or pastor.